Monday, March 24, 2014

post retreat lows

Man you guys. I was really bummed this morning. I just came back from a most wonderful retreat where the Son of God just moved in waves and I thought I was, you know, ready to conquer the world. I was wrong. 
My early morning prayer was interpreted by the clock. And I was so incredibly tired, like you have no idea you I was so discouraged. I prayed every second I was driving to school and waiting for my teacher and if just felt so wrong being there. I was aching to be before Jesus the way I was over the weekend. And really in agony that I wasn't able to devote every fiber of my being to talking to Jesus, worshipping him and just being before his face in awe. I seriously was thinking maybe I don't belong in school and I was praying about dropping out even and just joining the peace corps now. But now I am feeling so blessed you guys. First I received a gas card out of blue which is something my brother has been in need of and at first I was I'm not even allowed to use A&P so I tried to get into the word but it was just like reading a book and that just was heartbreaking that I couldn't hear Jesus's voice so clearly. So I prayed and Jesus just reminded me of what Ryan was saying his wife did, look up a meaningful verse. And I've never really done that since coming to The Lord I figured God will bring a verse to me while I'm reading my bible, but I tried it. And was so convicted that I almost started weeping right here in Starbucks. It was in a list of 20 verses and all of a sudden boom Jesus spoke. (Romans 15:13) May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. And he just asked me, you know in that loving joyful way of his. 'Where is your joy my beloved? Are you so little in faith that you have already forgotten to look for me? Have I not promised you I would be beside you walking as you walk, sitting where you sit? I warned you rejoining the world would break your heart. Where is your humility, where are the tears for the suffering you shed on that mountain, where is my disciple so willing to be used so open to the gifts I have given you? Where is your joy?' 
And you guys can imagine my reaction right, just completely broken. I mean honestly, talk about a potter crushing his clay teapot. So I just lift up you sisters in prayer and if you struggling as I was and still am with how to deal with coming back to the world after that awe inspiring weekend I just would ask you Jesus to speak to us, each of our contrite hearts, break us, convict us, bring to our minds the things that are causing distance from us, and in your holy name Jesus rebuke Satan's hold on all you beloveds. Thank you for your grace God and the limitless love we still can't fully grasp. May the full joy of spirit of Jesus be with you my sisters. Amen. 

No comments:

Post a Comment