Friday, November 22, 2013

faultless stand before your throne

"In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not comprehend it." John 1:4-5

 It is true that we sin because we are sinners. In bred with a desire inside us, one that tells us it's okay to yield to the world's temptation. But it is not okay. This world was made by God but a prince reigns the flesh. Satan is in every temptation, every word you speak that gnaws on your concious, Satan is the great oppressor to Christ's followers and nothing makes him happier than seeing a man or woman of God fall. But we have light inside of us, we were made by God and so we are touched by His light. His breath filled us, animated the shells of our bodies. That light is in every human it is what makes the void we feel before we are saved. We feel a void a need to satisfaction because we have given ourselves over to the darkness in us and it suppresses God's light. But even though the darkness inside us hates the light it does not understand why it cannot vanish it. It make flicker, radiate the low heat of dying embers but it flickers! It never succumbs because God does not succumb. I saw that with my brother, a man of God whose fallen so hard and so deep into his darkness that I was beginning to think I'd lost him forever. But this verse today sort of smacked me in the face (hard!) it was God telling me how dare you give up on one of my own. Did I give up on you? Everyone He touches belongs to Him and it is our job as followers of Him to be ready when He calls us, our job to run to His voice like Phillip. Our job to be different from the people of this world so that they can see a way out. Our light leads the way for theirs it needs to emblazon us, be the raging fire of God. This is world is ending, eroding around us we may be on the right side of the fight but others around us are not. How can I stand before Jesus knowing I followed Him dutifully, believed in Him wholly but ignored Luke 24:47-49.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

outspoken but silent

"There settle it in your hearts not to meditate beforehand on what you will answer; for I will give you a mouth and wisdom which all you adversaries will not be able to contradict or resist." Luke 21:14-15 

It has been hard to be outspoken about Jesus. Difficult to break myself out of my comfort zone for I don't really know how to speak to people in general let alone tell them of Jesus. It's that Satan is constantly hardened my heart against what God keeps pushing my feet to do. Making me feel as the words I say will be the wrong ones, making my brain tell me I don't have the strength or wisdom to walk up to a random stranger and tell them of Jesus. Even now as I sit in Starbucks reading His Word there sits across the room from me a Jehovah's Witness reading his newspaper. And I have this gnawing inside me to get up and talk to him to share with him the Jesus he is overlooking. Is my faith that broken? Should I not be as Philip who ran to the bidding of God? How is it that I have this ache inside to share Jesus with the world, with every single person I see and yet don't. Is it God telling me I'm still being prepared or Satan mangling my thoughts to make me believe I'm not good or strong enough to walk over to the man in a suit and tie. God grant me mercy, solace, if I am being self-centered show me however you see fit. Break me, humble me Lord  for I do everything in the name of your Grace. Show me my faults, my trespasses, the things that I believe to be too little to repent for. I am incapable of understanding your wisdom, your parables require me to read them three times before I am knowing. I am weak and prideful to have believed I could understand the meaning of your grand design. I beg of you Lord teach me. Show the world of your unbounding love. Stretch your hand across Your universe and sooth those dying of famine, fill the hopeless who stand in the wreckage of the Philippines with Your strength because we are weak, sinners, distraught with crying hearts and empty voids inside of us. Show us how to love those who have hurt us so cruelly so that we may forgive the grudge we hold. It is through your Son that we find solace, through Your words we find clarity and strength. If Jehovah Witnesses can have faith in half-truths and lies how is it that my faith seems weaker than theirs. Will I get to Paradise only to hear Your Son say he's never known me? Break apart my attachments to this world use me however you will, my feet are yours to move.  


"Why should a living man complain, A man for the punishment of his sins?" Lam. 3:39

How justified God would have been to discard me. To say to me you are not worthy. My life had been a continuation of disappointments I saw as needless suffering. When I cried out to God no one answered. I stopped going to church because I was so angry at Him that I couldn't stand to be in a place that He might be.  People suffer, other people are cruel and the world just seems to keep spinning. Who was I to charge the God of the Universe with my trespasses. Who am I that He who never knew sin would die for me. " O Lord, You have pleaded my case for my soul; You have redeemed my life. O Lord, You have seen how I am wronged" Lam. 3:58-59. And yet He choose to save me, to drag me from Satan's oppressions. All I can give, all that I am; may it  be rendered to Him. For He who deserves to be exalted choose to exalt me the day he brought me to my feet and walked my body into a pool. May His will for me be made so clear that I cannot sleep, breathe or think until I have submitted to His grace. O that my heart would pound in my chest His commands, that my feet would move solely for His accord for His glory. May He use us all for He is deserving of all that we have.  

Sunday, November 17, 2013

break my heart Lord for what breaks yours

"You still lack one thing. 
Sell all that you have and distribute it to the poor, 
and you will have treasure in heaven; 
and come, follow Me." Luke 18:22 
How hard this would be. 
I use to think it would be easy to leave everything behind, my family, home, life and make it in the world however I could. But that was high school when I wasn't with my Lord and bitter anger ate away at me. Now through the grace of God I have begun to slowly forgive my family and old friends. It is harder to leave, to give everything now that I have something worth keeping. When I was reading this I kept thinking why would God give me forgiveness, peace, and material things if He just wanted me to leave them behind? And I realize it was because I needed to know the value of this world. I needed to see the world as God sees it. 

Saturday, November 16, 2013

writ in stone

 " Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life..." Luke 12:22
 "But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you." Luke 12:31
 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Luke 12:34

I forget sometimes how divinely planned my life has been and will continue to be. Everything I've done, everything that has happened or will happen to me is set with God's handwriting in stone. How liberating, to know that the God who created oceans has His hand on my shoulder. I am his and He mine. I shall worry not of bodily desires. 

Friday, November 15, 2013

those smooth talkers

"How then can you comfort me with empty words, Since falsehood remains in your answers?" Job 21:34
Satan and his followers are smooth talkers my friends. 
Their words strike out at me and as God screams in my soul "They are lies." The Devil is quick to wage his war inside me. I found at those moments it is easy to fall and hard to discover that you have fallen. That simple words effected the power of the Holy Spirit within me. It took a long time of repentance, self-examination, praying, and crying out to The Lord to realize that the words I had spoken had hardened my heart. Blessed am I that The Lord would grace me with the knowledge to understand my faults so that I may repent.  May The Lord continue to show me when I am wrong, may he mold me and you into the servants He deserves. If it is His will He will lead me, change me, and grant me wisdom. How exalted is He who cares for the sinners. How merciful is He to use sinners to bring peace to those suffering in this world. 

Thursday, November 14, 2013

the building of temples

"You are also being built together
for a dwelling place of God in the Spirit." Eph. 2:22

Today I needed someone who was not my mother tell me my writing was good. I had applied for an Honors Conference a week ago and received word on Tuesday that my paper had been declined. My mother said it was because my writing is too controversial, I told her I just wasn't good which is how I had been beginning to see my writings. I haven't been able to free-flow prose, my historical analyses are blander than usual and trying to write fiction leaves me grossly depressed. Needless to say at my local coffee shop today sipping my cappuccino in one of their holiday cardboard travel cups I was having no luck fitting into words what I thought of 19th century Civil Rights. (FWI: nonexistent.)

Anyhow I had been writing, re-writing and internally snarling at the black ink of my cursive when who comes bounding through the doors. My old English-1B professor with his leather messenger bag, urban glasses, and tasseled shoes. We chit-chat like normal people, I have a thing about small talk: the more of it the more weird I become. Then he asks if I still had the DJ Waldie essay from last semester, I promptly blink; stupefied. He says my thesis was the strongest one he'd seen in a long time and he'd like to show it as an example to his class. I promptly blink again. Just an amazing Rhetor I am, right. I say okay, he says okay, we say goodbye. (I'm paraphrasing here, in reality there is more chit-chat but I shall not bore you.) I spend the rest of the hour I have left with no more coffee and no new words written towards my Civil Rights Assignment. But... someone out there, who went to graduate school, teachers English, and wears cardigans said I was one of his three best student-writers. Oh how God provides marvelously.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013


"Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher; 
Vanity of vanities, all is vanity...
And there is nothing new under the sun." Eccl. 1:2, 9

This book of the Bible like Job is one of the most vexing and enjoyable ones to me. 
I never knew what to make of the reoccurrence of the word 'vanity'. The NLT translates it to "meaningless" whereas the NKJV and KJV translates it "vanity which my handy-dandy dictionary tells me means pride. When I first read the book I thought it was trying to say things of the earth is meaningless. But it always nagged at me so I looked up the original Greek word used in place of vanity and found it was "hebel" which means breeze or vapor or rather impermanent things.  Re-reading it now I believe Ecclesiastes to be a type of warning. That we have the free will to choose to chase after unsustainable things but it is disappointing. Rather I pray that God would so choose to open my ears, eyes, and mind to strive towards Him. To love Him unboundedly and others for through Him and his truth we shall receive eternal peace. He has made me realize that this world is not mine and that the material things of it are therefore not mine. Which is why chasing after them is a wasted effort. 

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

stand fast & be unshakable

"Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. 
Let all that you do be done with love." I Cor. 1:13-14

I never thought much of love, never had a boyfriend. 
All I knew of love was what the books told me, and what my family showed me. I thought of love in terms of it being something you can lose and so was not worth it.
Now I see how strong people are.
All their souls crying out to God. Continuing on in the face of triumph and anguish. How resilient humans are, how strong a sinners faith is to believe even when the Heavens are silent. I understand now that God gave me things of this world not because I needed them to be happy but rather I needed them to understand the value of this world and the people in it. 
Because how does one save a thing they think is worthless.